| Last week we spoke about how to use regret to your advantage—to use it as a tool, and transform it from harmful to helpful. This week, let’s speak about how you can prevent regret in the first place. Remember, there are two reasons for regret: 1. We say or do something we wish we didn’t 2. We don’t say or do something and wish we did There are a variety of reasons that could cause this. Let’s address two of them. When you lose control When you feel attacked, or when you get pushed over the edge, the amydgala—the emotional processor of your brain—goes into overdrive. It pushes you into fight, flight, or freeze mode. We call this an “emotional hijack.” It’s like the amygdala has hijacked your brain and caused you to do things you wouldn’t do under normal circumstances. (Ever heard of the legal defense “temporary insanity”?) Other times, your emotions could simply catch you off guard. For example, you suddenly feel hurt, embarrassed, or lonely—and those feelings cause you to avoid the people who could actually help you most. What can you do when one of these happens to you? You’ve got to move. Literally. Go outside for a walk. If that’s not possible, go to the bathroom. Stretch. Roll your shoulders. Move your hands and wrists. Take several deep breaths. Once you’ve done this, you can use the Rules of Emotional Intelligence. These simple frameworks can help you get your emotions under control, to “hijack the hijack.” You can find many of these tools on my website in the EQ Toolbox. (Or, if you want them all in one place—and a workbook to help you build the skills—check out the course.) But there’s another reason that often inspires regret… You just don’t know. Often, we’re simply unaware of how a current situation is going to affect us. For example, you: neglect spending time with loved ones, not realizing how little time you have together don’t speak up when you should, because you think someone else will—or you underestimate the gravity of the moment avoid new experiences, because you don’t know what you’re missing To help combat this, get in the habit of asking two questions: 1. To others (especially older ones): What do you regret? 2. To yourself (in the moment): Will I regret not saying or doing this? By regularly asking the first question, you’ll learn from the collective experience of others, which will help you identify potential regrets before they happen. The second question will help you be more thoughtful and intentional about the way you live life. Both are invaluable. Using these tools and techniques won’t cause you to completely eliminate regrets—but it will help you reduce them. Because you should never make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion. Talk soon, Justin |
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